...maybe it's because they are liars
urrrrrrrrrrrgh get over it get OVER it Cydney
In other, happier, news: TOMORROW IS MY LAST DAY IN AMARILLO!! :D I am going to Fargo-Moorhead for the rest of the summerrrr hollerrrrrr. Man I am stoked. Like STOKED BRO OMG.
I will get to:
Have things to do!
Meet Sam's friends (that I don't already know!)
Meet people Sam talks about (that aren't necessarily his friends!)
Meet Sam's FAMILY (FINALLY!)
Go to some lakes!
Watch Star Wars (which I could do here, but I'd rather do with Sam and his friends!)
See Sam in his natural environment!
See what it's like to be so far from home for so long!
Learn to play DnD!
Learn to play Magic (maybe!)
Playing magic in the park!
Playing Bang! !
Seeing SAM AGAIN OMGGGG I LOVE THAT GUY :D :D :D
YESSSSSSSS THIS WILL BE AWESOME.
Things that suck:
I will miss my family (namely dad and Haden) :(
I will miss my friends :(
I will miss my cat :(
Driving 17 hours :(
Staying overnight in Omaha (or somewhere near) by myself :(
Probably having to come back before Sam :(
BUT ANYWAY YEAH THIS IS GOING TO KICK ASS BASICALLY I'M REAL STOKED OK!?
He admitted he never made it to Eagle Scout.
I am beginning to be able to trust him again, I think. It really is nice to not have to check his phone every hour (I still do sometimes), and that there are never any surprises in his email or on his FaceBook.
This is good.
I found my journal with this entry from two years ago...might as well be from two days ago.
"I wish I had a way with words or at least a kind of handwriting that made people say, "Wow, she knows what she's talking about." But I don't; maybe it's because I don't know what I'm talking about most of the time.
"But since I don't have a way with a pen, I'll write what I know. I'll write with my heart and I'll write with my soul.
"I know I keep saying I don't really trust him to come here and I'm not counting on it...but I want it so badly. I want him to be here to apologize and say he loves me and that he's an idiot and he'll do anything it takes to get back into my life...I want it so badly I'm not sure what I'll do if it doesn't happen.
"Love should not be allowed to happen to people my age. No...love shouldn't be allowed to smart people or trusting people or happy people, because love turns wise men into fools, and the (mostly) inevitable heartbreak ruins trust and kills happiness.
"How do I still cry over him? I've never cried over a boy in my life, except when I knew I was breaking his heart.
"...and now my heart is broken, and I hate that.
"The worst part is that I can't hate anyone for it. God had nothing to do with my unhappiness; I knew full well it was a possibility from the start. I can't hate myself for it, because it wasn't my fault. I can't hate her for it, because she had no idea what was going on; and I can't hate him for it, as much as I'd like to. To err is human, after all. And I guess--I think, anyway, but I can't be sure just yet-- that part of me still loves part of him.
"And that's what I hate."
I finally made him talk about it. I was able to bring it up in a way that didn't make me sound like a crazy girl who could not let go of the past, and I made him talk to me about it all and tell me the truth. Even the things I already knew were true...it just helped to hear him tell me.
She did not know about me. I cannot hate her anymore.
She was just as sickened to find out he was talking to me as I was to find out he was talking to her.
(Well, maybe not AS much. But I can definitely relate.)
I think...I think now that he's talked to me about it...now that WE have talked about it, I can move past it. I feel a lot better. About everything. I do.
BAH. We are together now and I am happy, that is all that matters.
Looks like I may be headed up north for the summer! :O Oh my. I am excited/scared. LET'S DO THIS
No one cares what I have to say.
Maybe I will have friends again this summer.
I miss having friends.
Also I think I'm beginning to let go of all that anger and shame and humiliation I had.
But I still have questions. And it still stings.
I wish tomorrow wasn't Monday again.
It's the little things. It really is.
:D :D :D
I'm gonna go carve a face out of a candle.
I still think about it.
I know. I KNOW.
But sometimes I stumble across a picture of them from their stupid trip (or worse, of them when we were still together) and I see her stupid stupid comments and I
I just want to puke.
I hate her I hate her I hate her. She makes me PHYSICALLY ill.
I even sent her the meanest most awful message I could manage.
Why does this stupid ugly bimbo haunt me?
I know I've got a good boy and I know he wants me and he picked me, but...still. It still bothers me when I see his old LiveJournal and know he only made it for her, and see their pictures from their trip and her stupid comment about "make this your profile pic if we ever date", and I wish I could erase it and all the other evidence of her ugly face. Or punch her in it.
She is a grade-a Cee U In Teabag.
Efffffffffffff. I hope she doesn't have any friends. I bet she doesn't.
Dear [deleted and purged],
I hope I can slap you someday.
I'm over it. I really am. I have forgiven him for it and it no longer hurts me the way it did, but you know what?
You're an awful, AWFUL person and someday I hope I can meet you.
Or at least get a chance to talk to you.
Because I want to tell you what a terrible, gross, awful person you are. I want to tell you you're ugly and you have the worst hair and bad teeth and your piercings and tattoo are ugly and you have the worst voice I've ever heard. I want to tell you that you are an awful actress and a manipulative whore and you need to fix yourself because no one likes you.
I want to tell you how no one wants to be your friend.
I want to tell you you're unfunny and bland and you have a stupid name.
I want to tell you what you did to me, and what you almost did to me.
And if I don't get a chance to slap the ring out of your stupid button nose, I will make you wish I had.
ARGH YOU'RE AWFUL
Con Odio fuerte,
In other news:
IT IS SO COLD TODAY
And I need to finish my charcoal of the cat.
My teacher really liked it, so far...hopefully it won't be a disappointment when I turn it in today.
At least I get to sell three of my four textbooks this week, huzzah!
ART ART ART ART ART ART ART ART ART
MAKE MAKE MAKE
CREATE CREATE CREATE
CAT CAT CAT CAT CAT CAT CAT CAT
DRAW DRAW DRAW DRAW DRAW DRAW DRAW DRAW
SMEAR SMEAR SMEAR RUB RUB RUB
TAPE TAPE MEASURE MEASURE
CUT PASTE CUT PASTE CUT PASTE CUT PASTE CUT PASTE CUT PASTE CUT PASTE CUT PASTE CUT PASTE CUT PASTE CUT PASTE CUT PASTE
BUY BUY BUY SPEND SPEND SPEND STRESS STRESS STRESS
WORK WORK WORK